If you are an Ex-Wife, if you do have Ex-Wife Syndrome, you are suffering
terribly .... not so much because your marriage is over, but because the cords of
your connection to the man who used to be your husband have not been severed.
Suffering is the key word here ladies... it hurts! and it feels like the
hurt is never going to stop and it is hard to imagine that you can
You will become yourself again, a successful single woman. A woman who is thriving in life after marriage is over, because you've cut the cords that bind you to him.
But first you need to survive the pain. You need to face facts and become aware of reality so you can take action.
So ask yourself the questions on this assessment. Dr. Sandra Kahn
developed it nearly 25 years ago and has given me her blessing to offer
it to you so you can begin the healing process. She says
it is "not a precise diagnostic tool," but rather a way to direct your
attention to things that are there, interfering with your day-to-day life and lie just outside of your awareness...
There is no "score." Just a series of questions. And if you answer "yes" to any of them it could mean there is an unbroken marriage attachment, a cord that is holding you hostage. Even though you may be legally divorced, this man who used to be your husband still plays a huge, painful, and even defining role in your life.
1. Do you feel
controlld by your ex-husband in any area of your life? For example,
with respect to child-rearing, finances, your home, your livelihood,
your social life. In what area or areas?
2. Do you find yourself talking about your ex to friends, family, your attorney, or any new men in your life? Is it difficult for you to stop referring to him even after you've resolved to do so?
3. Does your ex still have the power to hurt you?
4. Are you still "in love" with him? If so, please list the qualities that most draw you to him.
5. Do you harbor fantasies of any timpe about him (getting him back, seducing him, killing him, seeing him poverty stricken or hurt, being dumped by his new love)? What are your fantasies?
6. Is he capable of making you doubt yourself? Recall the 3 most recent instances.
7. Does it seem to you now that being married to him was easier than being divorced from him (even if the marriages was awful)? If yes, why?
8. Do you feel a sense of impending doom without any apparent reason? In what circumstances do you notice that you feel this way?
9. Do you wake up feeling anxious when you know you are going to have contact with him?
10. After you speak to your ex, do you feel strong emotions? For example, excited, sick, scared, depressed, angry?
11. If your ex becomes upset with you, does your day or week become ruined? Think of recent instances.
12. Do you feel like you are stuck or trapped with your ex for the rest of your life?
13. Do you care whether your ex think you are a good person, successful, smart? If so, why?
14. Is it important to you to get even with your ex?
15. Do you regret getting a divorcer?
16. Is it important that you look good if you bump into your ex?
17. Do you feel that divorcing him makes you a looser?
18. Do ou rfeel like your life has no meaning?
19. Do you feel like his life does have meaning and does it inspire jealousy in you?
20. Do you try to figure out what he would think or say before you make a decision?